My
arrival was difficult. i
read for many weeks before i
began to post. i was
confused by the various
"places" on Guardian
Island. i didn't know
where to begin, or how to make
friends.
i posted my introduction,
along with the name
"girl". At
this time, i didn't feel like
having a pretty name. i
opted for something generic
and practical. People
asked me right away why i did
this, asked me to change it to
something nicer. i
didn't. And didn't let
anyone know my real name for
some time.
i had trouble getting to know
people. Everyone already
had their own friends, and as
a newcomer, i was lost. i
couldn't bring myself to
strike up conversations with
other people, not wanting to
be intrusive. Guardian
Island made me lonely. Being
here was painful.
This was my first experience
with getting in touch with
ageplay as a phenomenon.
Up to that point, i had
only considered aspects
of ageplay, but never thought
of allowing my innergirl to
breathe and live as a whole
person. Letting her
exist was terribly hard.
i would sit at my keyboard,
trying to say something.
Something small, just to
let people know i existed...
and nothing would come out.
i would cry, tears
blurring the screen, and
finding nothing to say to
express how lonely and lost i
was. i thought about
screaming in the Quiet Room
just to let everyone know i
was there. My thought
turned into someone else's
thread, and i left, unnoticed.
i tried to get into some
trouble, hoping someone would
stop me. No one did.
i wondered if being on
Guardian Island was harming my
spirit. The first few
months brought little comfort
and lots of pain, and yet, i
couldn't leave. Something
was holding me there.
Now i know what that was.
In time, i made those
connections, made those
friends, found that support
system i needed so much.
It took time. That
time was hard. But it
was worth the investment.
i stopped crying all the time.
When i cry here now, i feel
cleansed instead of torn
apart. i have come to
know a person i love and
missed for much of life.
My littlegirl me.